söndag 2 december 2018

I bought a book

I have over a hundred unread books at home, so buying more is something I try to limit, and I listen to a lot of audiobooks nowadays and try to remember that the library exists for a reason. But sometimes, it’s destiny. I was early for my train and the station has a bookshop. So I wandered in, to browse, not to buy. My bag was already heavy, it did not need more books. But this book caught my eye, and I knew I wanted it. Sometimes I just write down the title or photo the cover for memory so I can get it later. But this was The Diary of a Bookseller. And a book about a bookshop can’t be downloaded. Maybe got from the library. But preferably purchased from a bookshop. And it was the last copy. And I opened it and the second sentence mentions ‘Black Books’ which I’ve been re-watching this week. So, destiny, right? 

Love,
The glass half sane

torsdag 22 november 2018

A reflection while I wait for my take-out order

I had a friend. A new friend, but we found each other fast, and I was really glad. And then, something happened. Or nothing happened. But I haven’t seen her in over a year. She was having mental health problems and said she didn’t have the energy to do anything. I get that. I so get that. I just hoped we could support each other instead of shutting each other out. She didn’t even reply when I wished her happy birthday. And that made me think, is this friendship on pause or is it over? I still hope it’s not over. And I didn’t mean to write all this, I just thought of her because I’m at the restaurant we went to together a few times and my brain did a sad “this was our place”, and it made me think how it was like we’re a parted couple, which was kind of funny because we’re not, but also not funny because regardless, I miss her.

torsdag 15 november 2018

How far I’ve come

Something reminded me of a medical problem I had a few years ago. It was minor, but still something I should have gotten checked up, but at that point in my life, I didn’t go to doctors. The mere thought of calling to make an appointment, or calling any stranger at all, would have me in a cold sweat. And now I pick up the phone and call the clinic without hesitation. It’s so weird, and so wonderful, how my social anxiety has diminished. I still have issues with some situations, depending on my mental state at the time, but they are fewer and occur less often. It’s good to be reminded of that sometimes, especially lately when I’ve felt like I’m failing at life. At least I’ve made progress.

Try to think of something you’ve improved at. And if you can’t think of anything, maybe your change is just around the corner.

Love,
The glass half sane

onsdag 14 november 2018

Forgive yourself. Maybe you didn’t do everything you intended, maybe you didn’t even leave the house. Maybe your house is a mess. Maybe you made a mistake at work. It’s OK. Everyone makes mistakes. Depression will tell you you’re a failure, but you are not. Depression lies.

I needed this reminder. Putting it out there in case anyone else needs it too.

Love,
The glass half sane

tisdag 6 november 2018

It’s been a rough few weeks, but I’m slowly getting back on my feet. Trying to practice some self care. And look how well I’m doing at drinking water; my plant is happy!


(Plant Nanny is an app where you have a virtual plant that you water every time you have a drink of water, and it sends you reminders to drink/water. It’s not the app of the year or anything, it’s pretty boring, but I really need something to help me remember to drink because sometimes I don’t feel thirsty but then I get dehydrated and that is really crappy.)

Love,
The glass half sane


torsdag 18 oktober 2018

Positive things, day 52, 53 & 54

I started writing a post last night. I wrote all of six words before being distracted by something else and then I fell asleep.

I went to pick up another package yesterday after work. Not something I bought myself this time, but a late birthday present from my brother. I already knew it was books, but I wasn’t sure which ones. It was one I have had my eye on for a while, Thing Explainer by Randall Monroe, and Sparrow Hill Road by Seanan McGuire. I discovered McGuire earlier this year and have since read a short story and four novellas. She’s... ah, I can’t explain her. There’s a certain magic in her stories. And I mean that both in the literal way that the ones I’ve read so far have featured witches and ghosts and portals to other worlds, but also the kind of indefinable magic some authors have that make you feel that reading their books have you under a wonderful spell, you know?

I also enjoyed the walk from the pick-up place, because it was a nice day and a route I had not walked before. I used to do that quite often, purposefully get lost and find my way again. For a while, I went to university in a big city, and after class, I would make little explorations. This city I live in now isn’t as big, and having lived here eight years, I don’t think there’s enough of it I don’t know to take long, meandering “lost” walks, but I haven’t seen it all, and that pleases me. While I am a bit sad because I so rarely stray from my routine. It’s all about getting from A to B, from home to work or the shops or wherever and back home. I guess that’s the thing about getting older, working a full-time job, and also living with pain and depression that limits what you’re able to and have energy for. But also that I feel I’ve lost that spirit for exploring the unknown. But the good news here, I think, is that there are still glimpses of it, and maybe those glimpses can be encouraged.

Viaplay is putting Grey’s Anatomy back on! All the seasons. That show just never gets old for me. The first few seasons I must have seen five or six times, but I can still start over again. It’s odd to say it’s my feel-good show because of all the tragedy and I have genuinely ugly-cried over deaths and break-ups in the show. But I love it. Maybe it’s that it makes me feel like my life doesn’t suck so much. And great music too. There are artists I listen to loads that I have discovered through Grey’s.

QI. Hilarious and informative. If you don’t know it, it’s a British quiz show about just about everything, with mainly comedians as guests and there are lots of episodes on YouTube.

That took me a couple of hours (with distractions), but managed to think of a few positives. I’ll try to start thinking of things earlier in the day. Tomorrow is Friday, so hey, that’s a positive for then already. But hopefully something will be better about it than that. We’ll see.


Love,
The glass half sane

måndag 15 oktober 2018

Positive things, day 51

I picked up a couple of packages today. Indulged in a few things for myself. One was Hank Green’s book, which I’m excited to read. Pre-ordered it ages ago, and then it arrived week before last but I’ve been too lazy/busy (busy in the work week, lazy on weekends) to get to the post office. The other was a mix of things. A couple of jigsaw puzzles. A Harry Potter deck of cards, which was a disappointment. I thought there would be more different pictures. The Jack, Queen and King cards are the same. I also got a couple of Halloween-y things. A small witch hat attached to an Alice band, a black cloak and a pentagram necklace. I don’t know what I’m doing for Halloween yet, but they were cheap and it’s always good to have some witchy accessories. For emergencies.

Overall, I’m pleased with my purchases and happy I finally picked them up. Check that off my to-do list.

Oh, and the weather! It’s warm and lovely again. Which reminds me, I was gonna look up why it’s called Indian summer. *Googles* OK, so nobody knows. But I found this little gem: ”In Gaelic Ireland, the phenomenon is called "fómhar beag na ngéanna" (little autumn of the geese).” So I know what I’ll be calling it from now on.


Love,
The glass half sane

söndag 14 oktober 2018

Hi blog. It’s been a while

Last time, I said I was back, and then I was gone for two months. But I need this. I’m doing better though.  For now. I’m in the process of switching antidepressants, so who knows what’s gonna be happening. Good times, I’m sure. But hopefully the end result is feeling better. And with a medication that doesn’t upset my stomach as much. I hope.

What else is new? Well, my neurologist is getting me on the new migraine medication when it finally comes out, which should be in the next few months. I’ve been hearing about this one for a couple of years now, this wonder drug that seems to work for a lot of people and with very few side effects. Of course there’s no guarantee it will work on me, but there is good hope.

I got my dishwasher installed! It’s amazing. I feel slightly pathetic every time I mention that to someone, but then they’ve sounded genuinely excited for me. I guess they hate doing the dishes as much as me. I tend to let dishes pile up until I feel like a disgusting slob, and now I can stop doing that, and ahhh, I’m happy.

I picked up my cross stitch again. I started something for a friend’s baby, a bib that has an aida fabric bit on it so it’s easy to stitch on, and selected two little animal designs for it. I had a white one I was going to use, but before I had even started stitching on it, I noticed a seam coming loose, and there’s no easy way to fix it so it will look good and stay in place because they haven’t left enough fabric for that bit to fit together well in the first place. So it’s lucky I had a back-up. I only started a little bit though, ‘cause I don’t have all the colours for it. Gonna stop by the craft store tomorrow. But once I’d taken all my stuff out and was in a crafty mood, I picked up another project that’s been in progress for a while. I so rarely finish things except for small ones for gifts. I want to finish some of the bigger ones I have going.

This is one of the animals that are going on the bib. Isn’t it cute? I love this Etsy shop, it’s the same one I got the design for mom’s birthday card from. Lots of cute and funny designs that are quick and easy to do for cards and things. Lots of pun-based ones. (This is not a sponsored post, lol.)

https://www.etsy.com/se-en/listing/494221069/bunny-cross-stitch-pattern-rabbit-cross?ref=shop_home_active_34


(I wish I could make the photo itself link to the site. Can you do that? But then people wouldn’t see that it’s a link, so maybe that isn’t better at all.) (And now the photo isn’t even showing up. All right then. Just click the link.)

Hopefully back tomorrow!

Love,
The glass half sane

torsdag 9 augusti 2018

Back in the saddle again

Sorry, dear blog. I’ve been very lazy this summer. But I will not let this effort die! I need this blog. I need to do something positive. I’ve been doing OK, psychologically, I think. But I do sometimes feel unproductive. I need to do more things. And I think one part, and yes it’s a small part but still, is writing about things. Like my online therapy programme said, when we’re depressed, we’re not doing enough of the things that make us feel good. We may need help to figure out what those things are. And that is kind of partly what this blog does. What made you feel good today? Write it down! Remember it! Then do more of it! And share it with us.

Love,
The glass half sane

fredag 13 juli 2018

Positive things, day I don’t know, I suck

So I promised I’d get back to this after vacation but I forgot. Sorry.

Some positives this week:

I finally finished the first set of homework for therapy. I’m an excellent procrastinator, but I’ll work on that.

I got accepted to at least one of the uni classes I applied for (internet-based part-time courses, ‘cause I thought it might be nice to do some learning again but I’m still gonna work, not be a full time-student again. This is for fun.) But because I’ve lost my password, I can’t access the system to check. I can get a new one, but it would just be easier if I can find the one I have. I know I was accepted to the math class because they sent an email. But my first choice was French. French would be more useful. I’ve studied a lot of French but I still can’t speak it. I think I need practice speaking though, and I don’t know how well an internet course is going to give me that.

That brings me to another one. I’ve started using Duolingo again for learning French. My brother mentioned using it, so I was reminded. I still had it on my phone, I just forget to use it. But I’ve got a three day streak going now.

Speaking of phones, I ordered a new one. It’s waiting for me at the post office actually, gonna pick it up tomorrow. Since I got this one on a kind of lease-thing rather than buying it outright, I now (after two years) had to decide whether to pay the difference for keeping it or buy a new one. This one is still working OK for the most part, but there is this thing with the sound. I only get sound in one ear when using earphones, and it used to not bother me because I had a piercing in the other ear that stopped me from comfortably having an earphone there anyway, especially because it took ages to heal completely and I didn’t want to risk introducing any bacteria to the area. But now I’ve taken the piercing out, and I didn’t want to pay to keep a two-year old phone with that problem.

Pride is coming up in my city, and I’ve been thinking previous years that it’s a shame that my work doesn’t participate in the parade since a lot of organisations and agencies do. I mean, if other government agencies take that kind of stand, there shouldn’t be a problem with it, shouldn’t there? But this year, we are, kind of. We have a group that works against discrimination in our workplace, and lgbtq+ is obviously a big part of that, so this year they are gathering people to walk together. So that’s a cool thing that’s happening. I signed up to walk with them of course. Maybe now I’ll finally find out who the lgbtq+ people at work are, ha. We’re a huge work place and I know almost no one (I mean, I haven’t asked everyone, but among the people I know, few have pinged on my gaydar).

tisdag 3 juli 2018

Positive things, vacation edition

Since vacation me sucks at this, I’m not gonna fight it any more. So I’ll just post a few things when I feel like it, and next week when I’m back at work, I’ll be back to my only moderately flaky self.

  • The little things that make me feel close to my grandmother, like making an omelette, seeing forget-me-nots and snowdrops, knitting.
  • Strawberries
  • Chocolate eggs found on sale because it’s ages after Easter
  • Taylor Swift (I’ve had ‘Gorgeous’ in my head for like a month)
  • Cats doing the cautious pawing thing
  • Garage sales

tisdag 26 juni 2018

Positive things, day crap, I don’t know how many I’ve missed

OK, so I could count, and I will, but right now I just want to post and not have to find out exactly how remiss I’ve been. I had a couple of bad and also busy days, and then I went on vacation and shut off my brain. But I’ve been OK. Spending my days being lazy without feeling guilty about it, reading, lounging in the sun (when there is sun. The weather has been a bit unstable), playing games and spending time with people I like.

So, a little list of the positives:


  • Reading an actual book for hours at a time. (I’ve been listening to a lot of audiobooks lately, which is nice and allows for multi-tasking, but there is a feeling in reading that audiobooks don’t give. And some books simply demand to be read.)
  • Having people around me (I’m staying with my parents’ at the moment). Keeps me out of the weird headspace I sometimes get in when I’m alone.
  • Good news from The Bloggess
  • I had something to put here but it slipped my mind while I was typing the last one. I can’t think of any more right now. Umm... it’s my mom’s birthday on Thursday so there’ll be cake. Cake is positive. 
  • Actually, being at my parents’ means I eat less crap. THAT is a positive. 

tisdag 19 juni 2018

Positive things, day 50

Two days until vacation. It’s actually stressing me a little bit because I have stuff I need to get done. Not so much at work as at home. Need to tidy up, throw out all garbage, and pack because I’m leaving right after work on Thursday. But vacation is going to be so nice.

måndag 18 juni 2018

Positive things, day 49

The ending of this Grey’s Anatomy episode made me happy. So, SPOILERS. When Owen gets a foster kid and Amelia meets the teenage mother and decides to take her in and help her get clean. It was so nice and hopeful when they all go home together. Also, weird, but when I mistyped “help” it autocorrected to Leo, which is the baby’s name. I love coincidences like that.

söndag 17 juni 2018

Positive things, day 46, 47, 48

Did I use rain yet? We’re getting quite a bit today. It’s been a dry spring and summer so far, so everything needs it. The grass is brown and the cows don’t have food. And I needed it. There is something very therapeutic about rain. I was procrastinating going out, because I had an errand but I found it difficult, and the thought of rain on my skin is what finally got me out. Few things can clear your head like a good rain walk. I had some heavy music on and started walking quite fast. It felt really good.

Couldn’t sleep last night, possibly because I slept most of the day. So I started a new audiobook. I have become a terrible finisher. But anyway. I started Mara Wilson’s ‘Where Am I Now?’. It’s good. I like memoirs as audiobooks, at least when they are read by the person themself.

I realised finishing the picture for mom is unrealistic (and I started having doubts about the choice). So I started looking for card designs again, something I can do quickly, and found this Etsy shop. So many cute little designs. I picked one for mom, and am definitely coming back for future card pattern needs.

torsdag 14 juni 2018

Positive things, day 45

I came out to my neighbour today. I only have one neighbour I talk to. She’s often walking her dog or out on her patio when I walk past, so we chat a bit, just small talk. Today we were standing outside after I got home from work, and a young man came out of our building. After he had gone, she mentioned there were two young single men in the building, “in case I was interested”. So I told her I leaned the other way. And she kind of apologised for not knowing, and I was like “no, it’s OK, how would you?” I hadn’t told her. I don’t introduce myself with it. And I don’t “look lesbian” *slight eye-roll*. But after knowing someone for a year and a half, even if it’s just a casual acquaintance, it becomes a little awkward that they don’t know. Thing is, I like coming out. I know a lot of people get tired of it, but I haven’t yet. I’m always curious about how people will react. (And I have been very lucky that almost no one has been negative. Some reactions have been funny, some a little weird. One guy wanted to convert me with his penis (and said it in an almost threatening way. That was not one of the good reactions). But on the whole, pretty good. And I know that I am incredibly fortunate to live in a place where that is the case, where I am safe to be open about it).

I feel like that paragraph got long-winded so I’m starting a new one. (I’m such a great writer.) So, anyway. I like coming out, but I need a way in. I can’t just say it out of the blue. Like at work, a lot of people know, but not everyone. And I’ve worked there for three years.

And another thing! I don’t know of any other lesbians (or bi/pan women) at work. Statistically there must be some, but I haven’t found them. We need signs, like name tags but with whether you’re single and what you’re into. Then maybe I can find a girlfriend.

Trigger warning

How bad do you have to hurt yourself for it to be self-harm? I don’t cut, I don’t do anything that hurts for more than a minute (well, normally). I hurt, but it’s not really harm. Saying that I harm feels like I’m exaggerating, and belittling those who seriously harm. So I haven’t told anyone. But it is something I do in a similar way. So is it the intended mental effect or the physical effect that matters?

onsdag 13 juni 2018

Positive things, day 44

I found it again! A funny video that I saw a few years ago and then couldn’t find again. It’s not very fitting right now, seasonally, but I’m gonna share it anyway because it makes me happy.






tisdag 12 juni 2018

Positive things, day 41, 42, 43

We’re having some great weather. It’s cooled down a bit, which is good because I am miserable in heat. Today we got free ice cream at work. This is apparently a tradition, but I’ve managed to miss it both the past summers I’ve worked there.

I felt oddly light as I left work today. Like I wondered if I had forgotten something because it felt like I’m usually more burdened, not skipping down the steps so easily. I don’t know if it was the air being less heavy or my mind. Maybe the antidepressants, maybe the fact that I’ve run out of the migraine pills that worsen my depression so I’ve had to skip a couple of doses while I wait to get my prescription filled (this is obviously not really a good thing, since I need those, and it’s maybe not great to skip doses randomly, but I think I’ll get them tomorrow).

The cross stitch thread I ordered was shipped today. I didn’t have all the colours I needed for mom’s present, and I’m quite concerned I won’t finish in time. Need to find a frame for it too. But I’m still able to work with the colours I have until the rest arrive.

I found a new blog to read. It’s a fellow Bloggess Tribesperson! Only a few posts there so far but they were interesting, especially a very good post about mental health after the deaths of Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain. And they’re also doing a similar thing to this positivity thing, but weekly rather than daily. Linky.

fredag 8 juni 2018

Positive things, day 39

I found a pattern and made a small start on mom’s birthday present. It was a free chart from DMCs website, and they have them tagged with estimated completion times. This one said 2-10 hours, which I find strangely low. I guess I’m a slow stitcher. This is how far I got today, after about one hour (but some of it is white, so it might be hard to see.) (Picture to come when my phone decides it can upload photos again.)



And this is what the finished piece will look like:


torsdag 7 juni 2018

Positive things, day 38

I feel like being creative. Which is bad timing because it’s midnight and I have work in the morning, but it’s been a while since I’ve felt up to doing much of anything crafty, and hopefully the feeling will still be there tomorrow after work. I said I would try to make something for mom’s birthday and it’s coming up quickly. Cross stitch birthday card or attempting painting again?

onsdag 6 juni 2018

Positive things, day 37

Books. Just, books. They’re great. Escape into another world, be amused, learn stuff, think about things differently. Books are magic.

tisdag 5 juni 2018

Positive things, days 33, 34, 35, 36

Whenever I’ve not blogged for a couple of days, I feel pressure to make the next post a good one, which sometimes makes it hard to post anything. I was gonna tell all about my weekend, but I’m really not up for that today. So it’s gonna be quick and dirty for now.  

1. Tessa Violet, and especially this song. This I Pray for You

2. While I was listening to Tessa Violet the other day, Spotify started playing me Dodie instead. I liked what I heard, so I’m gonna have to remember her. 

3. New season of Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt. I actually started re-watching the previous season because I need the reminder before I watch the new one, but that’s also good and now I have quite a lot to watch.

4. Got my tax refund today. I had forgotten about it and only remembered the other day so it was like a little surprise. Not a huge amount this year, but nice enough. 

fredag 1 juni 2018

Positive things, day 31 and 32

Went out after work yesterday. I didn’t stay out too late but was too tired to blog. It was fun. We went to a restaurant with a very nice atmosphere, but the food was only OK and service was slow.

It’s Friday and I travelled to my home town after work. It’s nice to visit, we’ve got a birthday party tomorrow which will be fun, but damn, it’s hot here. My parents have air conditioning downstairs, and all the hot air rises upstairs. Where my bedroom is. Yep, I’m being positive but also whingeing. It’s the good with the bad. Good word, whinge, but is the present participle “whingeing” or “whinging”? Google seems to say both.

This fan is loud.

onsdag 30 maj 2018

Positive things, day 30

After tomorrow, the number of the positivity post won’t be the same as the date so I’ll have to actually check where I’m up to. Or do math.

That’s not the positive thing, just something that struck me. If you’ve been here a while you’ll know I’m very much a “write the thought that comes to your head” blogger.

I figured out a new way to handle the direct debits from my bank accounts so I’ll have better control of what funds go where and when, while still having direct debits because they’re convenient. Sorting that out made me feel all productive and on top of things. It may be an illusion but I’ll take it.

tisdag 29 maj 2018

Positive things, day 28 & 29

‘Pointless’. British quiz show. Check it out if you don’t know it. No, I’m not employed by the BBC.

I was watching an episode earlier and it was a celebrity one and Dave Gorman was on. I love him, and I miss his show, ‘Modern Life is Goodish’. So check that out if you don’t know it. There used to be a couple of full episodes on YouTube, but looks like they’ve been removed so there are only clips. Sad face.

British shows are so much better than Swedish shows. There are Swedish shows that I love, but not as many.

söndag 27 maj 2018

Positive things, day 26 & 27

Didn’t do anything this weekend, but it was relaxing. Have plans for next weekend. (Birthday party, hang out with friends I don’t often get to see).

Found out about and started playing Jurassic World Alive today. It’s like Pokémon Go but with dinosaurs. It could be fun. A bit on the fence right now, I feel like it has to offer something more than what I’ve seen so far. Apparently you can make hybrids when you have more dinosaurs. Which I guess replaces the evolving of Pokémon. Because evolving them was one of the fun things about that game. The problem with these games for me (and the reason I stopped playing Pokémon Go) is that I get too obsessed with doing my best. It’s not about competing with others, but about getting the most out of the game, somehow. I don’t quite understand it myself. But I have this thing about being efficient. Like if I was playing Pokémon Go and had a special item like a lure, I would have to make sure that I was using it at the best possible time so none of its potential would be wasted. And how do you know when it’s the best possible time? It’s kind of like the sticker thing that I’ve seen someone else express online as well (and thought yay, it’s not just me). When I was a kid I would rarely use any of the stickers that I liked because what if I used it on something and then found a better place for it? I would regret using it. Once when I had some friends over and we had stickers out, one of them begged me to let her use one of my really nice stickers for something she was making, and I let her. And then she didn’t even take the thing home with her. And that hurt. And that was a weird tangent. Anyway, I get too intense about some games; hoarding supplies or just playing way too much because you have to go into the game to collect stuff all the time. And get annoyed at myself if I don’t. And getting annoyed at yourself because you didn’t play Pokémon Go on your way to work is just a really weird way to live.

That didn’t end up being a positive thing, did it? What else? Talked to one of my friends that the road trip will take me close to and looks like she’s gonna be around so I can see her then.

fredag 25 maj 2018

Positive things, day 25

Oh my god, even the blog has to be GDPR compliant? I’m not gathering your data, Google is.

Anyhoo. The positive thing is, I’m all GDPR ready at work. And my neurologist finally called. (He was supposed to call on Tuesday, didn’t. Was supposed to call on Thursday, did but not at the expected time so I happened to be in the bathroom. Today I’ve been practically glued to my phone to not miss him). And I’m going to a Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy themed party. But I have a headache so might not stay long.

Don’t forget your towel!

torsdag 24 maj 2018

Positive things, day 24

I had some time to kill in town today and went into a clothing shop, and there I found my favourite dress in a different colour. I really need more clothes, and I wear that dress all the time. Now I can wear it twice as often.

tisdag 22 maj 2018

Positive things, day 22

I had a phone appointment with my neurologist today, except he never called. This doesn’t sound like a positive thing, but because I didn’t want to take his call while on my way home, I stayed late at work while I waited. Didn’t give up until 6:50 (the appointment was at 4). So what’s the positive? That I worked overtime, and that makes me feel good about myself. We have flexible hours and a time account, and putting hours in the time account now means I can leave early another day. And that’s the positive. And I got some stuff done that’s been on my to-do list for a while.

måndag 21 maj 2018

Positive things, day 21

The big report I’ve been working on is finished and sent to publishing. I have a couple of things left that are due in May, but they’re under control and I can kind of unstress now until August which is awesome.

Sorted out the vacation times, and there’s now a little road trip in the works.

I feel like I need a sign-off. Posts never feel finished without some conclusion. Is it just me? How do other bloggers do this? Xoxo, gossip girl?

söndag 20 maj 2018

Positive things, day 19 & 20

It’s only a month until my vacation (probably)! I say probably because I talked to mom today and she thought it would be nice if I had some of my vacation time at the same time as dad’s. So I might change it. I decided to have two weeks of vacation, then work four, then have another two weeks off. It makes it feel longer. Four weeks off and I have basically no plans. The book fair in Stockholm is a must, I always go to that. And Stockholm Pride, maybe. But I didn’t check when that is before making my plans. Hang on... The current plan would make me miss most of Pride. I don’t usually go to much of it anyway, I could still go to the parade. Hmm. I’ll be back for Pride in my city either way. I kinda prefer it anyway, it’s smaller and almost everything is free. Sure, Stockholm sometimes has cooler activities, but we do OK.

Rilo Kiley are so good.

fredag 18 maj 2018

Positive things, day 18

It’s Friday, I’ve got fresh strawberries and the yummy chocolate I only buy occasionally as a treat (when I happen to have an errand to the mall where the chocolate shop is), and I remembered to write this post before it got late and I was too tired to think.

torsdag 17 maj 2018

Positive things, day 17

The lilacs are in bloom. Lilacs always remind me of the last day of school in primary. Mom making me a wreath of lilacs for my hair. I love their scent.

onsdag 16 maj 2018

Positive things, day 14 & 15 & 16

This is so hard to remember! Gonna put a reminder on my phone.

1. My friend turned me onto ‘Crazy Ex-Girlfriend’ and I love it! So funny. And I love Rebecca’s style. I want like half the dresses I’ve seen her wear. Which reminds me of https://wornontv.net/ which is a pretty neat site.

2. I was forced to tidy up before my friend visited, so now my living room feels liveable again. I’ve started hanging out there again which is better than in bed. Beds are for bedtime. Otherwise is messes with the brain not realising it’s sleep time, or something. And eating in bed causes messes.

3. I finally got my storage unit! I was putting off/forgetting to call about it for ages, but on Monday I remembered and yesterday I got access. Now I just need to buy a padlock because the ones I have are too small.

söndag 13 maj 2018

Positive things, day 12 & 13

The weather is gorgeous (but hot), it’s Sunday night but I have tomorrow off, and I’m waiting for my bestie to arrive for an approximately 23-hour visit. (This is all I’ve seen her since Christmas, so I’m happy).

How crazy was last night’s Eurovison winner? I’m starting to accept it. Embrace the weird is usually my Eurovison motto. I just didn’t expect that to actually win. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, see for yourself, and remember: This just won a huge music contest.



I have this great group of online friends that I watch Eurovison with. We watch separately, obviously, but chat online throughout the whole thing. I don’t know how many years now, but I think at least ten. Some people have gone, and a couple new have come. I’ve only met two of them in real life (dated one for a while), but the closeness we’ve found over the years is amazing.

fredag 11 maj 2018

Positive things, day 11

Comfort movies. Currently watching ‘Easy A’ for the gazillionth time. It’s great when you can know practically every line of something and still enjoy it. Doesn’t matter if I fall asleep either. I have trouble sleeping without something on.

torsdag 10 maj 2018

Positive things, day 9 & 10

#1 Doggies!


#2 One of my favourite videos, that can usually make me smile:


I’m really terrible at this. I’m in a pretty intense self-loathing spiral right now, plus got a lot to do, so thinking up things for this isn’t high on my list. But I don’t want to just let it go. So I’m gonna make this really really simple. Today’s positive post to follow.

tisdag 8 maj 2018

Positive things, day 7 & 8

I learnt a lesson. Unfortunately it’s one I’ve learnt many times before, but maybe by writing it down I can make it stick better. Don’t put things off. You may think “I’ll do that tomorrow”, but you don’t know what tomorrow is going to be like. Especially with illnesses that sometimes incapacitate you. I’ve had a terrible migraine for two days straight and thus did not get anything done. Don’t assume you have time. Don’t waste the sunlight, ‘cause it might rain for a week after. Don’t waste an opportunity to do something, because that opportunity can be taken away in a flash. Is this turning out more waste blaming than inspiring? Damn. Well. The positive is that I believe we can learn? I don’t mean you can’t have a day when you don’t do anything. Those days will happen. Especially with mental illness or with physical illness, some days it’s OK if all you do is exist. But on the days you can do stuff, try to do stuff. ‘Cause you’ll probably feel better, and you won’t get stuck with things you need to do on days when you can’t do them and feel like crap for that.

And now I’m gonna go watch Eurovision Song Contest, which I know I already used for a positive, but it’s really a high point of the year for me. I watch it with friends, except we watch it in our own homes and only chat about it online, because they’re my online friends and I’ve only met two of them in real life. But I love talking to them and Eurovision is the only time of the year we all still get “together”.

söndag 6 maj 2018

Positive things, day 4 & 5 & 6

So I missed a couple of days, and now I have to be three times as grateful. I really shouldn’t leave it this late. It’s Sunday night. I suck at weekends. I’ve barely left my bed. And this is no way to start a positivity post. I’m sorry. I guess I don’t really have it in my right now.

But you know what. This is what this blog is about. Trying to find the positive despite all that. I am alive. I am here. Tomorrow is a new day and a new week and I’m gonna do my best. I’m gonna go to work and kick ass.

Positive thing #1
I took all my pills today. Sometimes I forget or fall asleep before I’ve taken the last dose, but today I’ve taken all of them. It’s a little thing but it’s a good thing.

Positive thing #2
Jenny Lawson (The Bloggess). She’s kind of the reason this blog exists and the reason anyone reads it, I think (assuming the traffic I’ve seen are actual people and not bots. All the non-bots, raise your hand?) And I think Jenny is also the reason I’m still here. Her being so open about depression made me understand a lot more about how depression works, and that I should seek help. Before that, I didn’t think therapy or medication could help me. I wasn’t actively planning suicide, but if I had kept going the way I was without treatment, I don’t know how long I would have lasted. Antidepressants saved me, and Jenny is part of what got me there. Add all the times she’s just been so relateable or funny, and she’s definitely a positive thing.

Positive things #3
Eurovision week is starting!!!!! If you are not European and don’t know of the Eurovision Song Contest, find yourself a live stream. It will change your life. I have converted Americans in the past. Here’s a preview. 


fredag 4 maj 2018

Depression (not a positive thing)

So I wrote the other day about how this medication helps my migraines. And that is really great. But the downside is that one of the side effects is depression. I already have depression. I was doing OK, but a few weeks ago I increased the dose and the depression monster seems to have caught up with me. I recently read about how this medication should never be given to people with depressive tendencies because the risk of suicide increases quite a bit. I guess my neurologist either didn’t know how bad it was or took the risk. He said to call if I had any side effects of that kind. But the thing about depression is that it lies*. It makes you forget about brain chemistry and medications playing with your mind. It starts telling you that your life is meaningless and no one loves you and never will, and you start to believe it. If you realise that it’s that stupid little pill that makes you feel this way, maybe you can ride it out. Tell yourself it will pass when your body acclimates to the medication (or you stop taking it. Whatever you and your doctor decide). I thought I knew this by now. But the lying bitch monster keeps talking and I keep listening. I was talking to a friend last night and told her how I wasn’t feeling well and it wasn’t until then, when she asked me why, that I realised it could be the medication.

*I don’t directly quote Jenny Lawson (The Bloggess) here, but since she has kind of made “depression lies” a thing, it wouldn’t feel right to not mention her.

torsdag 3 maj 2018

Positive things, day 3

Cherry blossoms. They’re one of my favourite flowers. I saw a tree on my way home from work today. Only a quick glance from the bus, unfortunately, but it made me smile. I don’t know why I love them so, when there are so many other pretty flowers. Maybe it’s from the way my friend made me jealous of the cherry trees in her yard when we were little. Japanese cherry, it sounded so exotic. I’ve always thought that if I had a garden of my own, I would plant one. But for now, I will walk by the gardens of the lucky, and I will smile.

onsdag 2 maj 2018

Positive things, day 2

I’m beginning to hope. I’ve struggled with frequent migraines for years, frequent to the point that I have been unable to work full time. But I’ve been on a new medication and I actually feel like these past few weeks have been better. It’s not the first time I’ve thought that, but I keep trying new things. Maybe this medication will be the one.

tisdag 1 maj 2018

Positive things, day 1

Officially starting the count today. Not gonna go back and count older posts. Fresh start.

Rain! It’s a proper rainstorm today and I love it. Rain makes me feel alive. I can’t explain it.

I had the best weekend. Took a road trip with two uni friends to see a third. Even though it’s been almost two years since I saw one of them, and since we were all together, it feels like yesterday. We laughed so much. And also talked about serious stuff. It was good. I needed that.

fredag 27 april 2018

Weekend. Going away to see my uni friends. Got everything I needed to get done done at work so I can relax. It’s gonna be good.

torsdag 26 april 2018

I just realised what this blog is missing that the old blog had. Numbering. I used to number the positive things posts. That way they were easily distinguishable from other posts, and I could keep track of how long I had been doing it, and sort of held me to doing it every day. When I started this I hadn’t really intended that this would have any other posts than that kind, but I already find myself sometimes wanting to just talk about what’s going on without being forced to spin it to a positive thing. Maybe I’ll have to think about that, if this is going to be a truly one purpose blog or not.

New name

So I finally thought of a new blog name that wasn’t taken. And then after switching it, I realised that any potential readers coming from TheBloggess would now have the wrong link. D’oh! I’m not expecting this blog to become popular or anything, but it would be nice to have some traffic that isn’t just me. I think most people have that desire for attention somewhere in them, and I am far too shy to go looking for that in real life. Then again, when my old blog started getting readers, that just made me nervous. Why? I should just be me. If people don’t like the real me, then who cares? I wouldn’t want them to like a fake me. So I should just put everything out here, every weird and embarrassing thought. After all, it’d have to be pretty damn weird to scare off the Bloggess tribe.

onsdag 25 april 2018

Not really a positive thing, just being rambly

I feel like time is passing so fast right now. Every day, every week, it’s just woosh and it’s gone. Which is kind of good sometimes, when it’s a work day and it doesn’t drag on, but I have to get stuff done, and at home too. I’m doing OK at work, though. I’m getting stuff done. But then I get home from work, get something to eat, and then it’s suddenly late. And then it’s the weekend and then another week and then what? It’s just, I don’t know. It’s like I’m waiting for something. I just have to get through the rough patch and then I’ll start my real life. The one where I date and see friends and don’t just work and eat and sleep.

Is that how you spell “rough”? I re-read the paragraph and suddenly that word just looked all wrong. But Google says it’s right. Man, what did we do before Google?

I should do a word of the day thing. And by “do” I guess I mean pick an online dictionary and look at their word of the day every day and learn it if it’s one I don’t know. My English has gone downhill a bit.

tisdag 24 april 2018

Making plans with friends for this weekend. It’s gonna be great.

torsdag 19 april 2018

Office party

The pills actually worked today so I could be at the party without pain. I ended up sitting with people I felt comfortable with so I could have conversations instead of being a quiet mouse most of the evening. I sucked at the quiz but I didn’t feel too bad about it. I got to know one of my coworkers better. I laughed a lot and I made people laugh (once, at least). I don’t drink but something about the atmosphere towards the end of a night like this makes me more outgoing anyway. Maybe because I know other people are drunk so they’ll be less likely to judge or remember if I do something “wrong”. I can be a little loud. I can be seen. Anyway. I’m not a party person, but occasionally, office parties are fun.

onsdag 18 april 2018

Learning

I think if I have learnt something new, that is at least something I can feel good about that day. Even if it’s something random and useless. Because I sometimes participate in quizzes and immensely enjoy showing my random and useless knowledge, and there’s an office party tomorrow and we always have quizzes at our office parties.

The more unexpected the better. Which is why I’ve tried teaching myself Hangul and Welsh. I’m just longing for a situation when I get to impress someone with any of my (very limited) knowledge of those. The “wow, you can read that?” moment. And I enjoy the learning.

tisdag 17 april 2018

Hope

Today was bad but maybe tomorrow will be better. I still have hope.

måndag 16 april 2018

Hogwarts will always be there to welcome you home

Having some anxiety and self-hate tonight. I finished The Fault in Our Stars. It was really good and sad but not as sad as I expected somehow. I don’t know if it has anything to do with my mental state tonight. Anyway. I’ve been trying to find something to settle me. I started a new book and even though it’s enjoyable, it doesn’t provide the escape I need. So tonight I shall escape with Harry Potter again, one of the few things that almost always comforts me. It’s Deathly Hallows, so the title I put to this post doesn’t really fit. I just liked the quote.

söndag 15 april 2018

The Fault in Our Stars

I’ve been intending to read this for a long time and now I am and I know it is going to break my heart but for now I am just enjoying it so much and I have to get back to reading, so bye!

torsdag 12 april 2018

Spring, flowers, low-fat ice cream that actually tastes good. And I found my missing Tardis earring!

onsdag 11 april 2018

Santa Clarita Diet

Only took me a day to forget about this. Also, I really need to change the name of this blog because I’m not gonna have the need nor the fulfilment of “saving” every day. I’m not that depressed right now. I just want to mention little things that made me smile or that I’m thankful for. But what should I name it? The only other idea I’ve had was taken.

But onto today’s thing. I started watching Santa Clarita Diet. It’s really funny and I love Drew Barrymore. But I’m gonna issue an emetophobia warning for the first episode. If the first vomit makes you cringe, be warned, it gets worse.

måndag 9 april 2018

Dear Hank and John

So, this thing never really took off. But I'm trying again. 
I was listening to last week's episode of Dear Hank and John, and Hank mentioned that there are studies that show that people who keep gratefulness journals are happier, and it reminded me of this and I want to give this another try. So today I am grateful for John Green and Hank Green, all the nice things they do, their videos, podcast, John's books and the anticipation of Hank's book (An Absolutely Remarkable Thing, available for preorder now).