Be positive though it hurts

It’s been a dark week, but there are bits of light, and I have to acknowledge them.

I found the lost library book. It wasn’t even my messy apartment’s fault, because I had left it at my parents’. So now I just have to pay the late fee and not for replacing the book, and I can be a library patron again.

Something in my migraine treatment plan is working, I think. I’m not migraine free, but it’s less, and any relief is amazing at this point.

Love,

The glass half sane

Hello blog!
It’s been a while. Am I gonna start all my posts like this? That would be dreadfully boring.

I’m just gonna post some positives.

I’m four days into a painkiller detox. (My neurologist is convinced some of my headaches/migraines are brought on by my body having got used to all the pills I’ve been taking for years. I’m not sure how it works but it’s a thing. So now I’m detoxing for two weeks.) And so far, so good. I’ve had pain, but I haven’t had a full blown migraine. I remain hopeful.

I started watching The Crown. It’s good. So weird seeing Matt Smith in it. I’m starting to get used to it, but then he’ll make an expression or pose that is so 11.

This year is nearly over. It’s been a pretty bad one. I don’t really believe things magically change because it’s a new year, but it does feel like a chance for new beginnings. A clean slate. Even if that’s not really true, if telling myself that will make me do something good, then that’s good, right?

And it hasn’t been all bad. I finally went back to therapy and found a therapist that I feel comfortable with.

And I survived. Remember to pat yourself on the back for surviving another year.

Love,

The glass half sane

Set the dark on fire

Tonight I am rediscovering Turin Brakes and celebrating Jenny Lawson’s good news. And I am reviving my blog. I will try again to write little notes of light here when I can. We won’t let the darkness win.

Love,

The glass half sane

I bought a book

I have over a hundred unread books at home, so buying more is something I try to limit, and I listen to a lot of audiobooks nowadays and try to remember that the library exists for a reason. But sometimes, it’s destiny. I was early for my train and the station has a bookshop. So I wandered in, to browse, not to buy. My bag was already heavy, it did not need more books. But this book caught my eye, and I knew I wanted it. Sometimes I just write down the title or photo the cover for memory so I can get it later. But this was The Diary of a Bookseller. And a book about a bookshop can’t be downloaded. Maybe got from the library. But preferably purchased from a bookshop. And it was the last copy. And I opened it and the second sentence mentions ‘Black Books’ which I’ve been re-watching this week. So, destiny, right? 

Love,

The glass half sane

How far I’ve come

Something reminded me of a medical problem I had a few years ago. It was minor, but still something I should have gotten checked up, but at that point in my life, I didn’t go to doctors. The mere thought of calling to make an appointment, or calling any stranger at all, would have me in a cold sweat. And now I pick up the phone and call the clinic without hesitation. It’s so weird, and so wonderful, how my social anxiety has diminished. I still have issues with some situations, depending on my mental state at the time, but they are fewer and occur less often. It’s good to be reminded of that sometimes, especially lately when I’ve felt like I’m failing at life. At least I’ve made progress.

Try to think of something you’ve improved at. And if you can’t think of anything, maybe your change is just around the corner.

Love,

The glass half sane

It’s been a rough few weeks, but I’m slowly getting back on my feet. Trying to practice some self care. And look how well I’m doing at drinking water; my plant is happy!

(Plant Nanny is an app where you have a virtual plant that you water every time you have a drink of water, and it sends you reminders to drink/water. It’s not the app of the year or anything, it’s pretty boring, but I really need something to help me remember to drink because sometimes I don’t feel thirsty but then I get dehydrated and that is really crappy.)

Love,

The glass half sane

Positive things, day 52, 53 & 54

I started writing a post last night. I wrote all of six words before being distracted by something else and then I fell asleep.

I went to pick up another package yesterday after work. Not something I bought myself this time, but a late birthday present from my brother. I already knew it was books, but I wasn’t sure which ones. It was one I have had my eye on for a while, Thing Explainer by Randall Monroe, and Sparrow Hill Road by Seanan McGuire. I discovered McGuire earlier this year and have since read a short story and four novellas. She’s... ah, I can’t explain her. There’s a certain magic in her stories. And I mean that both in the literal way that the ones I’ve read so far have featured witches and ghosts and portals to other worlds, but also the kind of indefinable magic some authors have that make you feel that reading their books have you under a wonderful spell, you know?

I also enjoyed the walk from the pick-up place, because it was a nice day and a route I had not walked before. I used to do that quite often, purposefully get lost and find my way again. For a while, I went to university in a big city, and after class, I would make little explorations. This city I live in now isn’t as big, and having lived here eight years, I don’t think there’s enough of it I don’t know to take long, meandering “lost” walks, but I haven’t seen it all, and that pleases me. While I am a bit sad because I so rarely stray from my routine. It’s all about getting from A to B, from home to work or the shops or wherever and back home. I guess that’s the thing about getting older, working a full-time job, and also living with pain and depression that limits what you’re able to and have energy for. But also that I feel I’ve lost that spirit for exploring the unknown. But the good news here, I think, is that there are still glimpses of it, and maybe those glimpses can be encouraged.

Viaplay is putting Grey’s Anatomy back on! All the seasons. That show just never gets old for me. The first few seasons I must have seen five or six times, but I can still start over again. It’s odd to say it’s my feel-good show because of all the tragedy and I have genuinely ugly-cried over deaths and break-ups in the show. But I love it. Maybe it’s that it makes me feel like my life doesn’t suck so much. And great music too. There are artists I listen to loads that I have discovered through Grey’s.

QI. Hilarious and informative. If you don’t know it, it’s a British quiz show about just about everything, with mainly comedians as guests and there are lots of episodes on YouTube.

That took me a couple of hours (with distractions), but managed to think of a few positives. I’ll try to start thinking of things earlier in the day. Tomorrow is Friday, so hey, that’s a positive for then already. But hopefully something will be better about it than that. We’ll see.

Love,

The glass half sane

Positive things, day 51

I picked up a couple of packages today. Indulged in a few things for myself. One was Hank Green’s book, which I’m excited to read. Pre-ordered it ages ago, and then it arrived week before last but I’ve been too lazy/busy (busy in the work week, lazy on weekends) to get to the post office. The other was a mix of things. A couple of jigsaw puzzles. A Harry Potter deck of cards, which was a disappointment. I thought there would be more different pictures. The Jack, Queen and King cards are the same. I also got a couple of Halloween-y things. A small witch hat attached to an Alice band, a black cloak and a pentagram necklace. I don’t know what I’m doing for Halloween yet, but they were cheap and it’s always good to have some witchy accessories. For emergencies.

Overall, I’m pleased with my purchases and happy I finally picked them up. Check that off my to-do list.

Oh, and the weather! It’s warm and lovely again. Which reminds me, I was gonna look up why it’s called Indian summer. *Googles* OK, so nobody knows. But I found this little gem: ”In Gaelic Ireland, the phenomenon is called "fómhar beag na ngéanna" (little autumn of the geese).” So I know what I’ll be calling it from now on.

Love,

The glass half sane

Hi blog. It’s been a while

Last time, I said I was back, and then I was gone for two months. But I need this. I’m doing better though.  For now. I’m in the process of switching antidepressants, so who knows what’s gonna be happening. Good times, I’m sure. But hopefully the end result is feeling better. And with a medication that doesn’t upset my stomach as much. I hope.

What else is new? Well, my neurologist is getting me on the new migraine medication when it finally comes out, which should be in the next few months. I’ve been hearing about this one for a couple of years now, this wonder drug that seems to work for a lot of people and with very few side effects. Of course there’s no guarantee it will work on me, but there is good hope.

I got my dishwasher installed! It’s amazing. I feel slightly pathetic every time I mention that to someone, but then they’ve sounded genuinely excited for me. I guess they hate doing the dishes as much as me. I tend to let dishes pile up until I feel like a disgusting slob, and now I can stop doing that, and ahhh, I’m happy.

I picked up my cross stitch again. I started something for a friend’s baby, a bib that has an aida fabric bit on it so it’s easy to stitch on, and selected two little animal designs for it. I had a white one I was going to use, but before I had even started stitching on it, I noticed a seam coming loose, and there’s no easy way to fix it so it will look good and stay in place because they haven’t left enough fabric for that bit to fit together well in the first place. So it’s lucky I had a back-up. I only started a little bit though, ‘cause I don’t have all the colours for it. Gonna stop by the craft store tomorrow. But once I’d taken all my stuff out and was in a crafty mood, I picked up another project that’s been in progress for a while. I so rarely finish things except for small ones for gifts. I want to finish some of the bigger ones I have going.

This is one of the animals that are going on the bib. Isn’t it cute? I love this Etsy shop, it’s the same one I got the design for mom’s birthday card from. Lots of cute and funny designs that are quick and easy to do for cards and things. Lots of pun-based ones. (This is not a sponsored post, lol.)

https://www.etsy.com/se-en/listing/494221069/bunny-cross-stitch-pattern-rabbit-cross?ref=shop_home_active_34


(I wish I could make the photo itself link to the site. Can you do that? But then people wouldn’t see that it’s a link, so maybe that isn’t better at all.) (And now the photo isn’t even showing up. All right then. Just click the link.)

Hopefully back tomorrow!

Love,

The glass half sane

Back in the saddle again

Sorry, dear blog. I’ve been very lazy this summer. But I will not let this effort die! I need this blog. I need to do something positive. I’ve been doing OK, psychologically, I think. But I do sometimes feel unproductive. I need to do more things. And I think one part, and yes it’s a small part but still, is writing about things. Like my online therapy programme said, when we’re depressed, we’re not doing enough of the things that make us feel good. We may need help to figure out what those things are. And that is kind of partly what this blog does. What made you feel good today? Write it down! Remember it! Then do more of it! And share it with us.

Love,

The glass half sane

Positive things, day I don’t know, I suck

So I promised I’d get back to this after vacation but I forgot. Sorry.

Some positives this week:

I finally finished the first set of homework for therapy. I’m an excellent procrastinator, but I’ll work on that.

I got accepted to at least one of the uni classes I applied for (internet-based part-time courses, ‘cause I thought it might be nice to do some learning again but I’m still gonna work, not be a full time-student again. This is for fun.) But because I’ve lost my password, I can’t access the system to check. I can get a new one, but it would just be easier if I can find the one I have. I know I was accepted to the math class because they sent an email. But my first choice was French. French would be more useful. I’ve studied a lot of French but I still can’t speak it. I think I need practice speaking though, and I don’t know how well an internet course is going to give me that.

That brings me to another one. I’ve started using Duolingo again for learning French. My brother mentioned using it, so I was reminded. I still had it on my phone, I just forget to use it. But I’ve got a three day streak going now.

Speaking of phones, I ordered a new one. It’s waiting for me at the post office actually, gonna pick it up tomorrow. Since I got this one on a kind of lease-thing rather than buying it outright, I now (after two years) had to decide whether to pay the difference for keeping it or buy a new one. This one is still working OK for the most part, but there is this thing with the sound. I only get sound in one ear when using earphones, and it used to not bother me because I had a piercing in the other ear that stopped me from comfortably having an earphone there anyway, especially because it took ages to heal completely and I didn’t want to risk introducing any bacteria to the area. But now I’ve taken the piercing out, and I didn’t want to pay to keep a two-year old phone with that problem.

Pride is coming up in my city, and I’ve been thinking previous years that it’s a shame that my work doesn’t participate in the parade since a lot of organisations and agencies do. I mean, if other government agencies take that kind of stand, there shouldn’t be a problem with it, shouldn’t there? But this year, we are, kind of. We have a group that works against discrimination in our workplace, and lgbtq+ is obviously a big part of that, so this year they are gathering people to walk together. So that’s a cool thing that’s happening. I signed up to walk with them of course. Maybe now I’ll finally find out who the lgbtq+ people at work are, ha. We’re a huge work place and I know almost no one (I mean, I haven’t asked everyone, but among the people I know, few have pinged on my gaydar).

Positive things, vacation edition cont.

• Babies
• Forests
• Regina Spektor 

Positive things, vacation edition

Since vacation me sucks at this, I’m not gonna fight it any more. So I’ll just post a few things when I feel like it, and next week when I’m back at work, I’ll be back to my only moderately flaky self.

• The little things that make me feel close to my grandmother, like making an omelette, seeing forget-me-nots and snowdrops, knitting.
• Strawberries
• Chocolate eggs found on sale because it’s ages after Easter
• Taylor Swift (I’ve had ‘Gorgeous’ in my head for like a month)
• Cats doing the cautious pawing thing
• Garage sales

Positive things, day crap, I don’t know how many I’ve missed

OK, so I could count, and I will, but right now I just want to post and not have to find out exactly how remiss I’ve been. I had a couple of bad and also busy days, and then I went on vacation and shut off my brain. But I’ve been OK. Spending my days being lazy without feeling guilty about it, reading, lounging in the sun (when there is sun. The weather has been a bit unstable), playing games and spending time with people I like.

So, a little list of the positives:

• Reading an actual book for hours at a time. (I’ve been listening to a lot of audiobooks lately, which is nice and allows for multi-tasking, but there is a feeling in reading that audiobooks don’t give. And some books simply demand to be read.)
• Having people around me (I’m staying with my parents’ at the moment). Keeps me out of the weird headspace I sometimes get in when I’m alone.
• Good news from The Bloggess
• I had something to put here but it slipped my mind while I was typing the last one. I can’t think of any more right now. Umm... it’s my mom’s birthday on Thursday so there’ll be cake. Cake is positive. 
• Actually, being at my parents’ means I eat less crap. THAT is a positive. 

Positive things, day 50

Two days until vacation. It’s actually stressing me a little bit because I have stuff I need to get done. Not so much at work as at home. Need to tidy up, throw out all garbage, and pack because I’m leaving right after work on Thursday. But vacation is going to be so nice.

Positive things, day 49

The ending of this Grey’s Anatomy episode made me happy. So, SPOILERS. When Owen gets a foster kid and Amelia meets the teenage mother and decides to take her in and help her get clean. It was so nice and hopeful when they all go home together. Also, weird, but when I mistyped “help” it autocorrected to Leo, which is the baby’s name. I love coincidences like that.

Positive things, day 46, 47, 48

Did I use rain yet? We’re getting quite a bit today. It’s been a dry spring and summer so far, so everything needs it. The grass is brown and the cows don’t have food. And I needed it. There is something very therapeutic about rain. I was procrastinating going out, because I had an errand but I found it difficult, and the thought of rain on my skin is what finally got me out. Few things can clear your head like a good rain walk. I had some heavy music on and started walking quite fast. It felt really good.

Couldn’t sleep last night, possibly because I slept most of the day. So I started a new audiobook. I have become a terrible finisher. But anyway. I started Mara Wilson’s ‘Where Am I Now?’. It’s good. I like memoirs as audiobooks, at least when they are read by the person themself.

I realised finishing the picture for mom is unrealistic (and I started having doubts about the choice). So I started looking for card designs again, something I can do quickly, and found this Etsy shop. So many cute little designs. I picked one for mom, and am definitely coming back for future card pattern needs.

Positive things, day 45

I came out to my neighbour today. I only have one neighbour I talk to. She’s often walking her dog or out on her patio when I walk past, so we chat a bit, just small talk. Today we were standing outside after I got home from work, and a young man came out of our building. After he had gone, she mentioned there were two young single men in the building, “in case I was interested”. So I told her I leaned the other way. And she kind of apologised for not knowing, and I was like “no, it’s OK, how would you?” I hadn’t told her. I don’t introduce myself with it. And I don’t “look lesbian” *slight eye-roll*. But after knowing someone for a year and a half, even if it’s just a casual acquaintance, it becomes a little awkward that they don’t know. Thing is, I like coming out. I know a lot of people get tired of it, but I haven’t yet. I’m always curious about how people will react. (And I have been very lucky that almost no one has been negative. Some reactions have been funny, some a little weird. One guy wanted to convert me with his penis (and said it in an almost threatening way. That was not one of the good reactions). But on the whole, pretty good. And I know that I am incredibly fortunate to live in a place where that is the case, where I am safe to be open about it).

I feel like that paragraph got long-winded so I’m starting a new one. (I’m such a great writer.) So, anyway. I like coming out, but I need a way in. I can’t just say it out of the blue. Like at work, a lot of people know, but not everyone. And I’ve worked there for three years.

And another thing! I don’t know of any other lesbians (or bi/pan women) at work. Statistically there must be some, but I haven’t found them. We need signs, like name tags but with whether you’re single and what you’re into. Then maybe I can find a girlfriend.

Positive things, day 44

I found it again! A funny video that I saw a few years ago and then couldn’t find again. It’s not very fitting right now, seasonally, but I’m gonna share it anyway because it makes me happy.

Positive things, day 41, 42, 43

We’re having some great weather. It’s cooled down a bit, which is good because I am miserable in heat. Today we got free ice cream at work. This is apparently a tradition, but I’ve managed to miss it both the past summers I’ve worked there.

I felt oddly light as I left work today. Like I wondered if I had forgotten something because it felt like I’m usually more burdened, not skipping down the steps so easily. I don’t know if it was the air being less heavy or my mind. Maybe the antidepressants, maybe the fact that I’ve run out of the migraine pills that worsen my depression so I’ve had to skip a couple of doses while I wait to get my prescription filled (this is obviously not really a good thing, since I need those, and it’s maybe not great to skip doses randomly, but I think I’ll get them tomorrow).

The cross stitch thread I ordered was shipped today. I didn’t have all the colours I needed for mom’s present, and I’m quite concerned I won’t finish in time. Need to find a frame for it too. But I’m still able to work with the colours I have until the rest arrive.

I found a new blog to read. It’s a fellow Bloggess Tribesperson! Only a few posts there so far but they were interesting, especially a very good post about mental health after the deaths of Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain. And they’re also doing a similar thing to this positivity thing, but weekly rather than daily. Linky.