Positive things, day 30

After tomorrow, the number of the positivity post won’t be the same as the date so I’ll have to actually check where I’m up to. Or do math.

That’s not the positive thing, just something that struck me. If you’ve been here a while you’ll know I’m very much a “write the thought that comes to your head” blogger.

I figured out a new way to handle the direct debits from my bank accounts so I’ll have better control of what funds go where and when, while still having direct debits because they’re convenient. Sorting that out made me feel all productive and on top of things. It may be an illusion but I’ll take it.

Positive things, day 28 & 29

‘Pointless’. British quiz show. Check it out if you don’t know it. No, I’m not employed by the BBC.

I was watching an episode earlier and it was a celebrity one and Dave Gorman was on. I love him, and I miss his show, ‘Modern Life is Goodish’. So check that out if you don’t know it. There used to be a couple of full episodes on YouTube, but looks like they’ve been removed so there are only clips. Sad face.

British shows are so much better than Swedish shows. There are Swedish shows that I love, but not as many.

Positive things, day 26 & 27

Didn’t do anything this weekend, but it was relaxing. Have plans for next weekend. (Birthday party, hang out with friends I don’t often get to see).

Found out about and started playing Jurassic World Alive today. It’s like Pokémon Go but with dinosaurs. It could be fun. A bit on the fence right now, I feel like it has to offer something more than what I’ve seen so far. Apparently you can make hybrids when you have more dinosaurs. Which I guess replaces the evolving of Pokémon. Because evolving them was one of the fun things about that game. The problem with these games for me (and the reason I stopped playing Pokémon Go) is that I get too obsessed with doing my best. It’s not about competing with others, but about getting the most out of the game, somehow. I don’t quite understand it myself. But I have this thing about being efficient. Like if I was playing Pokémon Go and had a special item like a lure, I would have to make sure that I was using it at the best possible time so none of its potential would be wasted. And how do you know when it’s the best possible time? It’s kind of like the sticker thing that I’ve seen someone else express online as well (and thought yay, it’s not just me). When I was a kid I would rarely use any of the stickers that I liked because what if I used it on something and then found a better place for it? I would regret using it. Once when I had some friends over and we had stickers out, one of them begged me to let her use one of my really nice stickers for something she was making, and I let her. And then she didn’t even take the thing home with her. And that hurt. And that was a weird tangent. Anyway, I get too intense about some games; hoarding supplies or just playing way too much because you have to go into the game to collect stuff all the time. And get annoyed at myself if I don’t. And getting annoyed at yourself because you didn’t play Pokémon Go on your way to work is just a really weird way to live.

That didn’t end up being a positive thing, did it? What else? Talked to one of my friends that the road trip will take me close to and looks like she’s gonna be around so I can see her then.

Positive things, day 25

Oh my god, even the blog has to be GDPR compliant? I’m not gathering your data, Google is.

Anyhoo. The positive thing is, I’m all GDPR ready at work. And my neurologist finally called. (He was supposed to call on Tuesday, didn’t. Was supposed to call on Thursday, did but not at the expected time so I happened to be in the bathroom. Today I’ve been practically glued to my phone to not miss him). And I’m going to a Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy themed party. But I have a headache so might not stay long.

Don’t forget your towel!

Positive things, day 24

I had some time to kill in town today and went into a clothing shop, and there I found my favourite dress in a different colour. I really need more clothes, and I wear that dress all the time. Now I can wear it twice as often.

Positive things, day 22

I had a phone appointment with my neurologist today, except he never called. This doesn’t sound like a positive thing, but because I didn’t want to take his call while on my way home, I stayed late at work while I waited. Didn’t give up until 6:50 (the appointment was at 4). So what’s the positive? That I worked overtime, and that makes me feel good about myself. We have flexible hours and a time account, and putting hours in the time account now means I can leave early another day. And that’s the positive. And I got some stuff done that’s been on my to-do list for a while.

Positive things, day 21

The big report I’ve been working on is finished and sent to publishing. I have a couple of things left that are due in May, but they’re under control and I can kind of unstress now until August which is awesome.

Sorted out the vacation times, and there’s now a little road trip in the works.

I feel like I need a sign-off. Posts never feel finished without some conclusion. Is it just me? How do other bloggers do this? Xoxo, gossip girl?

Positive things, day 19 & 20

It’s only a month until my vacation (probably)! I say probably because I talked to mom today and she thought it would be nice if I had some of my vacation time at the same time as dad’s. So I might change it. I decided to have two weeks of vacation, then work four, then have another two weeks off. It makes it feel longer. Four weeks off and I have basically no plans. The book fair in Stockholm is a must, I always go to that. And Stockholm Pride, maybe. But I didn’t check when that is before making my plans. Hang on... The current plan would make me miss most of Pride. I don’t usually go to much of it anyway, I could still go to the parade. Hmm. I’ll be back for Pride in my city either way. I kinda prefer it anyway, it’s smaller and almost everything is free. Sure, Stockholm sometimes has cooler activities, but we do OK.

Rilo Kiley are so good.

Positive things, day 18

It’s Friday, I’ve got fresh strawberries and the yummy chocolate I only buy occasionally as a treat (when I happen to have an errand to the mall where the chocolate shop is), and I remembered to write this post before it got late and I was too tired to think.

Positive things, day 17

The lilacs are in bloom. Lilacs always remind me of the last day of school in primary. Mom making me a wreath of lilacs for my hair. I love their scent.

Positive things, day 14 & 15 & 16

This is so hard to remember! Gonna put a reminder on my phone.

1. My friend turned me onto ‘Crazy Ex-Girlfriend’ and I love it! So funny. And I love Rebecca’s style. I want like half the dresses I’ve seen her wear. Which reminds me of https://wornontv.net/ which is a pretty neat site.

2. I was forced to tidy up before my friend visited, so now my living room feels liveable again. I’ve started hanging out there again which is better than in bed. Beds are for bedtime. Otherwise is messes with the brain not realising it’s sleep time, or something. And eating in bed causes messes.

3. I finally got my storage unit! I was putting off/forgetting to call about it for ages, but on Monday I remembered and yesterday I got access. Now I just need to buy a padlock because the ones I have are too small.

Positive things, day 12 & 13

The weather is gorgeous (but hot), it’s Sunday night but I have tomorrow off, and I’m waiting for my bestie to arrive for an approximately 23-hour visit. (This is all I’ve seen her since Christmas, so I’m happy).

How crazy was last night’s Eurovison winner? I’m starting to accept it. Embrace the weird is usually my Eurovison motto. I just didn’t expect that to actually win. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, see for yourself, and remember: This just won a huge music contest.

I have this great group of online friends that I watch Eurovison with. We watch separately, obviously, but chat online throughout the whole thing. I don’t know how many years now, but I think at least ten. Some people have gone, and a couple new have come. I’ve only met two of them in real life (dated one for a while), but the closeness we’ve found over the years is amazing.

Positive things, day 11

Comfort movies. Currently watching ‘Easy A’ for the gazillionth time. It’s great when you can know practically every line of something and still enjoy it. Doesn’t matter if I fall asleep either. I have trouble sleeping without something on.

Positive things, day 9 & 10

#1 Doggies!


#2 One of my favourite videos, that can usually make me smile:

I’m really terrible at this. I’m in a pretty intense self-loathing spiral right now, plus got a lot to do, so thinking up things for this isn’t high on my list. But I don’t want to just let it go. So I’m gonna make this really really simple. Today’s positive post to follow.

Positive things, day 7 & 8

I learnt a lesson. Unfortunately it’s one I’ve learnt many times before, but maybe by writing it down I can make it stick better. Don’t put things off. You may think “I’ll do that tomorrow”, but you don’t know what tomorrow is going to be like. Especially with illnesses that sometimes incapacitate you. I’ve had a terrible migraine for two days straight and thus did not get anything done. Don’t assume you have time. Don’t waste the sunlight, ‘cause it might rain for a week after. Don’t waste an opportunity to do something, because that opportunity can be taken away in a flash. Is this turning out more waste blaming than inspiring? Damn. Well. The positive is that I believe we can learn? I don’t mean you can’t have a day when you don’t do anything. Those days will happen. Especially with mental illness or with physical illness, some days it’s OK if all you do is exist. But on the days you can do stuff, try to do stuff. ‘Cause you’ll probably feel better, and you won’t get stuck with things you need to do on days when you can’t do them and feel like crap for that.

And now I’m gonna go watch Eurovision Song Contest, which I know I already used for a positive, but it’s really a high point of the year for me. I watch it with friends, except we watch it in our own homes and only chat about it online, because they’re my online friends and I’ve only met two of them in real life. But I love talking to them and Eurovision is the only time of the year we all still get “together”.

Positive things, day 4 & 5 & 6

So I missed a couple of days, and now I have to be three times as grateful. I really shouldn’t leave it this late. It’s Sunday night. I suck at weekends. I’ve barely left my bed. And this is no way to start a positivity post. I’m sorry. I guess I don’t really have it in my right now.

But you know what. This is what this blog is about. Trying to find the positive despite all that. I am alive. I am here. Tomorrow is a new day and a new week and I’m gonna do my best. I’m gonna go to work and kick ass.

Positive thing #1

I took all my pills today. Sometimes I forget or fall asleep before I’ve taken the last dose, but today I’ve taken all of them. It’s a little thing but it’s a good thing.

Positive thing #2

Jenny Lawson (The Bloggess). She’s kind of the reason this blog exists and the reason anyone reads it, I think (assuming the traffic I’ve seen are actual people and not bots. All the non-bots, raise your hand?) And I think Jenny is also the reason I’m still here. Her being so open about depression made me understand a lot more about how depression works, and that I should seek help. Before that, I didn’t think therapy or medication could help me. I wasn’t actively planning suicide, but if I had kept going the way I was without treatment, I don’t know how long I would have lasted. Antidepressants saved me, and Jenny is part of what got me there. Add all the times she’s just been so relateable or funny, and she’s definitely a positive thing.

Positive things #3

Eurovision week is starting!!!!! If you are not European and don’t know of the Eurovision Song Contest, find yourself a live stream. It will change your life. I have converted Americans in the past. Here’s a preview. 

Depression (not a positive thing)

So I wrote the other day about how this medication helps my migraines. And that is really great. But the downside is that one of the side effects is depression. I already have depression. I was doing OK, but a few weeks ago I increased the dose and the depression monster seems to have caught up with me. I recently read about how this medication should never be given to people with depressive tendencies because the risk of suicide increases quite a bit. I guess my neurologist either didn’t know how bad it was or took the risk. He said to call if I had any side effects of that kind. But the thing about depression is that it lies*. It makes you forget about brain chemistry and medications playing with your mind. It starts telling you that your life is meaningless and no one loves you and never will, and you start to believe it. If you realise that it’s that stupid little pill that makes you feel this way, maybe you can ride it out. Tell yourself it will pass when your body acclimates to the medication (or you stop taking it. Whatever you and your doctor decide). I thought I knew this by now. But the lying bitch monster keeps talking and I keep listening. I was talking to a friend last night and told her how I wasn’t feeling well and it wasn’t until then, when she asked me why, that I realised it could be the medication.

*I don’t directly quote Jenny Lawson (The Bloggess) here, but since she has kind of made “depression lies” a thing, it wouldn’t feel right to not mention her.

Positive things, day 3

Cherry blossoms. They’re one of my favourite flowers. I saw a tree on my way home from work today. Only a quick glance from the bus, unfortunately, but it made me smile. I don’t know why I love them so, when there are so many other pretty flowers. Maybe it’s from the way my friend made me jealous of the cherry trees in her yard when we were little. Japanese cherry, it sounded so exotic. I’ve always thought that if I had a garden of my own, I would plant one. But for now, I will walk by the gardens of the lucky, and I will smile.

Positive things, day 2

I’m beginning to hope. I’ve struggled with frequent migraines for years, frequent to the point that I have been unable to work full time. But I’ve been on a new medication and I actually feel like these past few weeks have been better. It’s not the first time I’ve thought that, but I keep trying new things. Maybe this medication will be the one.

Positive things, day 1

Officially starting the count today. Not gonna go back and count older posts. Fresh start.

Rain! It’s a proper rainstorm today and I love it. Rain makes me feel alive. I can’t explain it.

I had the best weekend. Took a road trip with two uni friends to see a third. Even though it’s been almost two years since I saw one of them, and since we were all together, it feels like yesterday. We laughed so much. And also talked about serious stuff. It was good. I needed that.