Positive things, day crap, I don’t know how many I’ve missed

OK, so I could count, and I will, but right now I just want to post and not have to find out exactly how remiss I’ve been. I had a couple of bad and also busy days, and then I went on vacation and shut off my brain. But I’ve been OK. Spending my days being lazy without feeling guilty about it, reading, lounging in the sun (when there is sun. The weather has been a bit unstable), playing games and spending time with people I like.

So, a little list of the positives:

• Reading an actual book for hours at a time. (I’ve been listening to a lot of audiobooks lately, which is nice and allows for multi-tasking, but there is a feeling in reading that audiobooks don’t give. And some books simply demand to be read.)
• Having people around me (I’m staying with my parents’ at the moment). Keeps me out of the weird headspace I sometimes get in when I’m alone.
• Good news from The Bloggess
• I had something to put here but it slipped my mind while I was typing the last one. I can’t think of any more right now. Umm... it’s my mom’s birthday on Thursday so there’ll be cake. Cake is positive. 
• Actually, being at my parents’ means I eat less crap. THAT is a positive. 

Positive things, day 50

Two days until vacation. It’s actually stressing me a little bit because I have stuff I need to get done. Not so much at work as at home. Need to tidy up, throw out all garbage, and pack because I’m leaving right after work on Thursday. But vacation is going to be so nice.

Positive things, day 49

The ending of this Grey’s Anatomy episode made me happy. So, SPOILERS. When Owen gets a foster kid and Amelia meets the teenage mother and decides to take her in and help her get clean. It was so nice and hopeful when they all go home together. Also, weird, but when I mistyped “help” it autocorrected to Leo, which is the baby’s name. I love coincidences like that.

Positive things, day 46, 47, 48

Did I use rain yet? We’re getting quite a bit today. It’s been a dry spring and summer so far, so everything needs it. The grass is brown and the cows don’t have food. And I needed it. There is something very therapeutic about rain. I was procrastinating going out, because I had an errand but I found it difficult, and the thought of rain on my skin is what finally got me out. Few things can clear your head like a good rain walk. I had some heavy music on and started walking quite fast. It felt really good.

Couldn’t sleep last night, possibly because I slept most of the day. So I started a new audiobook. I have become a terrible finisher. But anyway. I started Mara Wilson’s ‘Where Am I Now?’. It’s good. I like memoirs as audiobooks, at least when they are read by the person themself.

I realised finishing the picture for mom is unrealistic (and I started having doubts about the choice). So I started looking for card designs again, something I can do quickly, and found this Etsy shop. So many cute little designs. I picked one for mom, and am definitely coming back for future card pattern needs.

Positive things, day 45

I came out to my neighbour today. I only have one neighbour I talk to. She’s often walking her dog or out on her patio when I walk past, so we chat a bit, just small talk. Today we were standing outside after I got home from work, and a young man came out of our building. After he had gone, she mentioned there were two young single men in the building, “in case I was interested”. So I told her I leaned the other way. And she kind of apologised for not knowing, and I was like “no, it’s OK, how would you?” I hadn’t told her. I don’t introduce myself with it. And I don’t “look lesbian” *slight eye-roll*. But after knowing someone for a year and a half, even if it’s just a casual acquaintance, it becomes a little awkward that they don’t know. Thing is, I like coming out. I know a lot of people get tired of it, but I haven’t yet. I’m always curious about how people will react. (And I have been very lucky that almost no one has been negative. Some reactions have been funny, some a little weird. One guy wanted to convert me with his penis (and said it in an almost threatening way. That was not one of the good reactions). But on the whole, pretty good. And I know that I am incredibly fortunate to live in a place where that is the case, where I am safe to be open about it).

I feel like that paragraph got long-winded so I’m starting a new one. (I’m such a great writer.) So, anyway. I like coming out, but I need a way in. I can’t just say it out of the blue. Like at work, a lot of people know, but not everyone. And I’ve worked there for three years.

And another thing! I don’t know of any other lesbians (or bi/pan women) at work. Statistically there must be some, but I haven’t found them. We need signs, like name tags but with whether you’re single and what you’re into. Then maybe I can find a girlfriend.

Trigger warning

How bad do you have to hurt yourself for it to be self-harm? I don’t cut, I don’t do anything that hurts for more than a minute (well, normally). I hurt, but it’s not really harm. Saying that I harm feels like I’m exaggerating, and belittling those who seriously harm. So I haven’t told anyone. But it is something I do in a similar way. So is it the intended mental effect or the physical effect that matters?

Positive things, day 44

I found it again! A funny video that I saw a few years ago and then couldn’t find again. It’s not very fitting right now, seasonally, but I’m gonna share it anyway because it makes me happy.

Positive things, day 41, 42, 43

We’re having some great weather. It’s cooled down a bit, which is good because I am miserable in heat. Today we got free ice cream at work. This is apparently a tradition, but I’ve managed to miss it both the past summers I’ve worked there.

I felt oddly light as I left work today. Like I wondered if I had forgotten something because it felt like I’m usually more burdened, not skipping down the steps so easily. I don’t know if it was the air being less heavy or my mind. Maybe the antidepressants, maybe the fact that I’ve run out of the migraine pills that worsen my depression so I’ve had to skip a couple of doses while I wait to get my prescription filled (this is obviously not really a good thing, since I need those, and it’s maybe not great to skip doses randomly, but I think I’ll get them tomorrow).

The cross stitch thread I ordered was shipped today. I didn’t have all the colours I needed for mom’s present, and I’m quite concerned I won’t finish in time. Need to find a frame for it too. But I’m still able to work with the colours I have until the rest arrive.

I found a new blog to read. It’s a fellow Bloggess Tribesperson! Only a few posts there so far but they were interesting, especially a very good post about mental health after the deaths of Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain. And they’re also doing a similar thing to this positivity thing, but weekly rather than daily. Linky.

Positive things, day 40

This list. Read it and smile.

Positive things, day 39

I found a pattern and made a small start on mom’s birthday present. It was a free chart from DMCs website, and they have them tagged with estimated completion times. This one said 2-10 hours, which I find strangely low. I guess I’m a slow stitcher. This is how far I got today, after about one hour (but some of it is white, so it might be hard to see.) (Picture to come when my phone decides it can upload photos again.)

And this is what the finished piece will look like:

Positive things, day 38

I feel like being creative. Which is bad timing because it’s midnight and I have work in the morning, but it’s been a while since I’ve felt up to doing much of anything crafty, and hopefully the feeling will still be there tomorrow after work. I said I would try to make something for mom’s birthday and it’s coming up quickly. Cross stitch birthday card or attempting painting again?

Positive things, day 37

Books. Just, books. They’re great. Escape into another world, be amused, learn stuff, think about things differently. Books are magic.

Positive things, days 33, 34, 35, 36

Whenever I’ve not blogged for a couple of days, I feel pressure to make the next post a good one, which sometimes makes it hard to post anything. I was gonna tell all about my weekend, but I’m really not up for that today. So it’s gonna be quick and dirty for now.  

1. Tessa Violet, and especially this song. This I Pray for You

2. While I was listening to Tessa Violet the other day, Spotify started playing me Dodie instead. I liked what I heard, so I’m gonna have to remember her. 

3. New season of Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt. I actually started re-watching the previous season because I need the reminder before I watch the new one, but that’s also good and now I have quite a lot to watch.

4. Got my tax refund today. I had forgotten about it and only remembered the other day so it was like a little surprise. Not a huge amount this year, but nice enough. 

Positive things, day 31 and 32

Went out after work yesterday. I didn’t stay out too late but was too tired to blog. It was fun. We went to a restaurant with a very nice atmosphere, but the food was only OK and service was slow.

It’s Friday and I travelled to my home town after work. It’s nice to visit, we’ve got a birthday party tomorrow which will be fun, but damn, it’s hot here. My parents have air conditioning downstairs, and all the hot air rises upstairs. Where my bedroom is. Yep, I’m being positive but also whingeing. It’s the good with the bad. Good word, whinge, but is the present participle “whingeing” or “whinging”? Google seems to say both.

This fan is loud.